A Hiatus from Husband Hunting V
The Finale - It's been real.
I want to start experimenting with how you experience this page. Music has been a major part of my journey through this life, and as I envision things, I hear it vividly in the background. This song feels like a perfect “the end” to this series. The song that plays right before we cut to the credits. You can play it as you read.
It’s been a long time coming, but this post marks the conclusion of this series, and it won’t be as grand as you may think. I gave voice to the genesis of my problems and the different archetypes of men I met along the way. While this exercise may have taught you more about me, I hope it taught you about yourself and the kinds of things you’ve been saying “yes” to that you probably shouldn’t have. And I hope you gained the same lessons I did without all the extra theatrics. Let’s dive in.
I understand the need to stop idolizing marriage. I thought idolatry meant worshiping celebrities or an insatiable lust for wealth, and since I never pledged allegiance to any effigy or monument, I thought it couldn’t pertain to me. However, we idolize institutions everyday, be it money, power, fame, or even romance. This hyper-fixation on the romantic was particularly trying in 2022 and 2023. I had been living in Jersey for 2 years, and I had nothing to show for it. (Sidenote: My mindset of what winning looked like was so limited then. I was 24/25 living on my own in a quaint little apartment. Life really was good.) I was anxious for every invite to every social occasion, big or small. The thought of "What if I meet someone?" plagued my mind. It was unnatural to make each interaction with the opposing sex so intense. So high stakes. And frankly, it was draining. All this just to "check the marriage box"?
What I’ve come to appreciate ⸺both from relationships I admire and those that I don’t⸺ is that marriages are all made up of flawed people working to manage the idiosyncrasies of their loved ones. While it can be a beautiful thing when done with the right person, it is by no means as glamorous as I fantasize it to be. So although I have my hiccups from time to time, I have come to put my desire for romantic love in its proper place. This is not an earth-shattering discovery, so please hold on to your sarcastic slow claps. I know this is common sense, but for me at that time, it was not common whatsoever.
Another message of import: no one is coming to save us. There is no perfect man or woman swooping in to save the day. A daunting yet empowering finding I’ve made over the last few months. No one, not even my future lover, is responsible for rescuing me from all the internal struggles I face or the dull life I lead at times. It is left to us to make this life shit happen on our own. We constantly wait on others. We hold off on going to certain outings because we’d rather go with someone else. We won’t take that trip or go to that concert because friends aren’t going or we aren’t “boo’d up” yet. Even watching a movie alone could be an issue for some. It is in these moments, big and small, that life happens, and we can’t wait on anyone to start living. Life itself is fleeting and precious, so don’t waste too much time.
Nowadays, I’m fighting the spirit of people-pleasing. I don’t need to over-explain myself for every little thing or bend to everyone. At times, I will make decisions others disagree with to live authentically, and I must be confident in those choices. Moreover, I don’t have to fit in. I have much to offer, and if anyone fails to see that, that is their loss. I am not to kill myself “selling” myself to them romantically, socially, or professionally. I am not alive to be a commodity consumed by others. I am not alive to make myself pretty so a man somewhere will pick me from a shelf full of dolls and “animate” me, then put me back down once he’s bored. I am not alive to pimp myself out to the highest corporate bidder. And I am certainly not alive to claw my way up a corporate ladder, fattening the pockets of a company that would make more money off me than I’d ever see. I don't intend to sound militant as I write this. This isn’t coming from a “I-hate-men”, “rah-rah-burn-the-bra”, or “fuck-you-pay-me” place. That’s too simplistic. (Sidenote: Maybe only the last point applies if I’m being honest.) I’m just a woman with pointed views, and I’m learning that many of the things we toil over ⸺which I am not immune to⸺ are vain pursuits. We must think critically about why we want them.
Although I’m on a much-needed timeout from my huntress activities and it seems I won’t be wearing matching PJs with somebody’s son anytime soon, I have gained a great deal over the past few years. I am trusting my process more. Taking more chances on myself. Like this blog. And gradually finding that it is ok to be me. Reclaiming confidence and acknowledging my agency is not easy, and I often second-guess myself. I no longer want to be paralyzed by fear. If fear conquers all, that is where life itself begins to end, even if one continues inhabiting their fleshly form. We must extend grace to ourselves, and have realistic expectations. We are allowed to take calculated risks, make mistakes, and learn from them⸺but we must march onward. And that’s exactly what I intend to do.